dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
