Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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