hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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