I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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