I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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