im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
