I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
