I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
