I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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