Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
