Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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