Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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