Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
