He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
