I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
