im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
