yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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