there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
