someone threw a dead crab at me
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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