Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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