I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
