I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
