Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
