Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
