If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
