Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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