Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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