She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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