forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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