Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
