I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
