No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
