It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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