I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
