I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
