i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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