I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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