So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
