overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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