talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Randomize
