there's paper in my vomit.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
