Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
