saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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