dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I've blown a few things in my day
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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