We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
