My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
