So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
