so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
