i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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