Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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